It pains me to admit it, but apparently, I’ve passed away. Admittedly, this is not a total surprise as I was fairly certain it would happen at some point. While I was staying in the hospital a few years back, I heard my doctor tell Betty Rose, my wife of 48 years, “Your husband is a very sick man.” She replied, “Oh, you have no idea!” Since this is my obituary, I get to have the final word on a couple matters: First, it took years, if not decades, for me to get my toenails the way they were. I like them that way, so just leave them alone. This also applies for my mustache and eyebrows—just leave them alone.
I was born when dinosaurs still roamed the Earth, to Howard & Eleanor. We managed to hunt, fish, forage and gather enough to survive on in the frozen and barren land now known as St. Paul, Minnesota. Growing up, I had to walk to school, seven miles each way, every day, uphill both ways, through two feet of snow. During the short summers, my younger brother Don (deceased) and I bravely fought off swarms of the deadly “Minnesota state bird.” To stay out of trouble, help hone my outdoor skills and spend time with friends, I was a Boy Scout.
Amazingly, I made it through high school and college and joined the Air Force. A few years later, while touring a popular distillery, I fell in the main vat. The workers and first responders tried to rescue me for hours, but I fought them all off bravely! After this, and a few other “mishaps”, I decided it would be best, and I would live a lot longer, if I quit drinking—so I did, for good. That was over 50 years ago, and I’m proud to say that I’ve had no further major mishaps since then.
I suppose at this point I would be remiss if I did not at least mention my family. Although my kids seemed to have all turned out ok, I did have several moments of extreme doubt while they were growing up, coupled with occasional thoughts about how other mammals kill at least some of their offspring, and was amazed more than once that a child of mine actually survived until their 18th birthday…I’ll leave it up to you kids to figure that one out. That said, I have four children: Jim (Sandy), John (Caroline), Katie (Danny) Franz, and Matt. I also have ten grandchildren, who despite what their misinformed parents may think at times, are all PERFECT and have NEVER done a thing wrong: Ashley (Jeremy) Riner, Allison (Jay) Ellis, Alex, Kathryn, Sophie, Peyton, Taya, Daxyn, and Dieter & Fritz. I also have two Great Grandchildren that are also absolutely PERFECT: Evelyn Riner and Cayde Ellis. My sister-in-law Kathy along with my nephews Chris & Eric and their families reside in Minnesota.
To help others in need, have more people to tell my stories to, and generally stay out of trouble, I was active in several Masonic bodies. I served as Past General Grand Steward, General Grand Council, Cryptic Masons International and Past Most Illustrious Grand Master, Grand Council of Cryptic Masons of Montana. I was also a member of Ancient Landmark Lodge #5 A.F. & A.M. St. Paul, MN; Gallatin Lodge #6 A.F. & A.M. Bozeman, MT; Zona Chapter #12, Royal Arch Masons; Past Illustrious Master, Chan McKenzie Council #16, Bozeman, MT; Past Eminent Commander, St. John’s Commandery #12, Bozeman, MT; member Algeria Temple Ancient Arabic Order of the Nobles of the Mystic Shrine, Helena, MT; two-time Cross of Honor recipient, Chevalier, and Past Master Councilor, Order of DeMolay and two-time Worthy Patron of The Order of the Eastern Star.
Betty enjoyed my involvement in the Masonic bodies because it got me out of her hair as she repeatedly told everyone. Plus, the Commandery Christmas Observances, which used to be held every Christmas morning at 9:00 were especially popular in our home. Now that I’m gone, I truly believe the Commandery needs to return to that time-honored tradition and mandate it nation-wide once again.
For those that knew me well, knew that I was involved in work that involved being discreet and not discussing certain matters openly. As a result, there are some “secrets” that I will take with me: First, I know who shot Bambi and his mother. Also, I know the real truth behind Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and their “living arrangements.” It’s not what you might think. Third, I know where some materials are that conclusively prove that George Jetson is the Anti-Christ. There’s also some sordid behind-the-scenes 8mm tapes of the cross-over episode he did with Wilma Flintstone. Fourth, I know where the proof is that links Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd to the “Deep State.” Finally, if I knew then what I know now about Yogi Bear and the Smurfs, I would not have allowed my kids to watch any of it! If you don’t believe me, just play some of the audio portions backwards at just the right speed…So, just like the age-old question, “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?...The world may never know…” but I do.
At the incessant urging and begging of my family, I finally agreed to allow some sort of BRIEF service (Please note family, I said BRIEF, as in no more than 20 minutes.) …My reluctant agreement was mainly to shut them all up at the time, so I could watch something important on TV. However, it is MY service and I have a few rules…First, NO one and I mean NO one (except for the Commandery Honor Guard) will wear anything black whatsoever—not even shoes. My sons and grandsons will be at the doors and have my permission to turn away all those who choose not to obey my wishes. Second, there will be NO tears, NONE. If you think you’re having a bad day, let me say that I’ve most recently had a worse one. Finally, there will be no eulogy, but my kids may tell a few humorous and pre-approved stories about me. My Celebration of Life service will be held at 1:00 p.m. on July 25th, at the Masonic Temple, 14 S. Tracy Ave.
I would also ask in lieu of flowers or donations, simply do a kind thing for someone else in need. I would consider that the highest honor if done in my memory. Finally, please don’t call the house phone because I’m expecting an important call that could come at anytime, and I’ve repeatedly told my family to stay off the landline.
Arrangements are in the care of Dokken-Nelson Funeral Service. www.dokkenelson.com
